G
I can't eat this without Ketchup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?

J
I know what you mean.

G
Do you ya?

J
It's like going out with someone and then you never hear from them again.

G
Same thing

J
Not really...but ists something. Ask the people behind you. [to use their ketchup]

G
Excuse me... Are you using your ketchup?

Lady in restaurant
What do you think - do you want to give him the ketchup

Man in restaurant
It's up to you

Lady in restaurant
You know what...I don't think so. I am going to need it from time to time.

J
so what are you doing tonight...Want to go to the movies?

G
Oh what for?

J
To see a movie

G
I've been to the movies

J
Not this movie

G
They are all the same...you go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. Sick of
it.

J
Did you take a shower tonight?

G
Yeah

J
That's usually the mood I am in when I have a shower

G
When is it going to be my turn Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes. I want my fifteen minutes.

J
Oh quit complaining. At least you have your health

G
Oh. Health is not good enough. I want more than health. Health is not doing it for me anymore. I am sick of health.

Lady in restaurant
Ok we are done. You can have it now [empty ketchup bottle]

G
Oh very gracious
[pounding on empty ketchup bottle]

Scene change to street - Kramer pulls up quickly in the car

E
Ok Kramer, thanks for the ride Kramer

K
No. thank you.

so what are you doing [to Jerry]

J
nothing

K
Come on lets go to the beach

J
are you crazy?

K
No...it's a beautiful day

J
Have a good time

K
Yeah...there is something in the air today. Do you feel it? There is something in the air

J
You know you are turning into Burt Lancaster.

K
[Kramer laughs] Yeah, there is something in the air. [Kramer speeds away in the car]

E
Oh...I forgot to call Jill. [Elaine dials her cellular phone]
Jill...hi...It's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything ok? What? I can't hear you because there is alot of static. I am going to call you back.

J
Jill's father is in the hospital and you called to ask about him on the cell phone?

E
What...no good?

J
Phopah

E
Phopah?

G
Big, hefty, stinkin phopah.

J
You can't make a health inquiry on the cell phone. You are saying....I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home...so I will just get it out of the way on the street.

G
The street cell phone call is the lowest phone call you can make

J
Its an act of total disregard

G
It's selfish

J
It's pompous

G
Why don't you think before you do something

E
That's a thought....bye bye [Elaine leaves}

G
Too much???? [scene change to Jerry's apartment with Jerry and George]

G
I am really suprised at Elaine. That whole phone business. ####

J
Hey! hey! hey!

G
What? [George is in Jerry's restroom]

J
Where do you think this relationship is? ....If you are thinking of instituting an open door urination policy. Let me just difuse you of that notion right now my friend.

G
You are so up tight.

J
Uptight? Lets all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket, we are going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party. [George slams bathroom door]

[Jerry listens to voice on the answering machine]

Voice on machine
Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call? Thanks. [Jerry dials phone]

J
Hello...this is Jerry Sienfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello. Hi. Uh huh. Really? Uh, no problem. Definately. OK. Bye bye. [George comes out of restroom]

J
That was James Kimbrough.

G
Who's he?

J
He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us to talk about "Jerry"

G
Our show..."Jerry"

J
Right

G
"Jerry" oh my God...he wants to talk about "Jerry"

J
Yeah

G
When

J
Today...like right now

G
Right now? Jerry!

J
George!

G
He wants to talk about "Jerry"

J
He wants to talk about "Jerry"

G
Can I go like this?

J
Sure!

G
No Sports Jacket! I don't need a sports jacket. Writers wear sports jackets

J
Forget the sports jacket

G
I won't feel like a writer

J
You are not a writer

G
Alright! [scene change to waiting room of NBC]

G
Water. I need some water! Water here!

J
I don't want any scenes in here like the last time

G
Don't worry. No worry. No scenes.

J
Don't blow this. If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don' t go nuts.

G
Fine...it doesn't have to be about nothing.

J
He might not want nothing

G
Something, nothing, I could care less.

J
He might want a show about anything and everything.

G
Anything...everything...something...nothing...nothing... who the hell cares. Put me down. I am down.

J
all right

Receptionist
They are ready to see you

G
Magic time

Receptionist
Mr. Kimbrough

Mr. Kimbrough
Hey Jerry [3 men from NBC and George & Jerry shake hands and exchange verbal hellos]

J
You remember George

Mr. Kimbrogh
Hey George. [Kimbrough introduces his associates] You remember Jay Kresbee

G
Jay Kresbee...Yeah I am gonna forget Gay Kresbee...Huh..hahaha.

This is James Kimbrough

J
[under his breath] Don't spell it

G
Nice to meet you its a pleasure. Lets see K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H.

Mr. Kimbrough
That's right

G
Thats a talent I have.

Mr. Kimbrough
Why don't we sit down

G
Someday out there huh? Did you ever see weather like that? Wuh? It's crisp! It's crispy crisp!

J
Shut up George

Mr. Kimbrough
Can I get you anything?

G
What do you have in the fruit department [Jerry rolls his eyes]

J
[sigh]

Mr. Kimbrough
Pineapple

G
That's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon, that fruit. That thing has spikes on the end. You could get killed from one of them

[everyone laughs]

Mr. Kimbrough
Anyway...let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development and it was pretty much same o same o.

G
Been there, done that

Mr. Kimbrough
Right....[pause] We were looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water cooler. We call it a water cooler show. Because the next day in the office, people gather around the water cooler and talk about it...right?

G
Huh...I would think people would talk about it at the coffee machine.

J
Well, it is probably just easier to say water cooler show than coffee machine show.

G
Well that is really not accurate. Nobody really drinks from a water cooler anymore, they use bottles.

J
But, I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point. [Jerry vears at George]

Mr. K
Anyway...Stu here started telling me about a show "Jerry" he developed five years ago. I have always loved it. He said it was a show about nothing. So...I saw the pilot and I have to tell you..I flipped out.

Associate #1
He totally flipped out

Mr. K
So what I want to do is put it on the air. 13 episode committment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy. He is a little off the wall. and Elaine. I can see something happening to you two [he motions to Jerry]

Associate #2
Definately

G
Well I tell you. I really don't think, so called, relationship humor is what this show is all about

Mr. K
Or we cannot do the show all together...How bout that?

G
Or we can get them together [embarrassed]

[everyone laughs and jears]

[scene change to Elaine's apartment]

E
Jill hi...Its Elaine. I am calling from my home....In doors. Ha. Well I was just calling to see how your fath...Hold on I am getting another call. Hello

J
Elaine its me

E
Jerry I am on the other line

J
No no it is an emergency...get off the phone

E
I am sorry Jill. I am going to have to take this call. [pause] Jerry what is the emergency?

J
"Jerry's" back on the TV show. George and I are moving to California.

E
That's the emergency?

J
Did you hear what I said?!

E
I was on the other line talking to Jill!

J
Jill....why didn't you say so.

E
You said it was an emergency

J
So now she has lost the phone face off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk and talk.

[scene change]

[Jerrys parents house speaking to Jerry over the phone]

Jerry's mother
Congratulations...they are doing the show [speaking to Jerry's father]

Jerry's father
They should have put that show on five years ago....Bunch of idiots at that network. I'll tell you something Jerry. It is all a bunch of crap on TV. The only thing that I watch is Xena the Warrior Princes. She must be about 6'6"

Jerry's mother
she is not 6'6"

Jerry's father
Jerry, do you ever watch that?

J
Yeah, it's pretty good.

[scene change]
[George's parents house]

George's mother
They picked up the show?

G
I'm moving to California!

George's father
Oh...babydoll. This kids going places. I told you.

George's mother
Did the NBC guy like it?

G
Of course he liked it.

George's mother
He told you he liked it?

G
He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.

George's mother
Well what are you doing?

G
I am writing.

George's mother
You know how to write?

G
Without the writing...you have nothing. You're the one that makes them look good.

George's mother
Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything....Never. I don't know how you are going to write all those shows. And where are you going to get all the ideas.

George's father
Would you leave him alone. You'll shatter his confidence.

G
I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.

George's mother
Nothing...Please... I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds pretty
stupid to me.

[scene change]
[Jerry's apartment he is speaking on the telephone]

J
NBC is letting me use their private jet. I can go anywhere that I want? That is fantastic. Thanks. ok bye.

[Kramer enters swinging the door open]

J
Hey how was the beach

K
Oh...you missed it buddy. Alot of feminitas. Some major feminitas.

J
I had a little meeting today at NBC

[Kramer jumps up and down banging his head with his hand]

J
What are you doing?

K
I went swimming today and I can't get this water out of ear.

J
Do you remember 5 years ago we did that pilot "Jerry". Well the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They are putting it on the air. They are giving a 13 episode committment. We are going to California!

K
You are moving to California?

J
Yeah...only for a while

K
Yeah, but Jerry what happens if the show is a hit. You could be out there for years. You might never come back.

J
No, I will be back.

K
Jerry...it is LA. Nobody leaves. She's [LA] a seductriss, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore!!!!

J
My agent says as a bonus, I can use their private jet. We can all go somewhere. The four of us. One big fling before George and I go to California.

K
[jests in excitement} FLING!

[scene change]
[at the restaurant Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer]

E
We can go anywhere we want?

J
Anywhere.

E
Why are they doing this?

J
I think they want to make it up to us. Cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years

E
It's all very exciting.

G
So...where are we going?

K
I say Japan

E
Why Japan?

K
Oh..Geishas. They cater to your every whim. They are shy at first, but they are quite skilled in conversation. They can discuss anyting from world affairs to the fine art of fishing or baking. [motioning to Elaine]

E
I got it! How bout Russia?

J
Russia??? It's so bleak.

E
It's not bleak. It is spring time

J
It is still bleak

E
You can't bleak in spring.

J
You can be bleak in spring. If your bleak, you are bleak.

E
What about Switzerland?

K
Uh. Switzerland. The VonTrap family. Huh

G
It's hilly

E
You are not going to do any walking [speaking to George]
haha

G
I want to walk around a little

E
So you will walk down the hill and we will pick you up

G
What if I am at the bottom

E
You know what...just forget it

J
Alright...come on come on now people! We are not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris.

E
I'll go to Paris

G
Me too.

K
yes yes (in french) [Kramer babbles nonsense in French]
[everyone joins in and laughs]

J
That settles it. We are all going to Paris.

J,E,G,K
Yes!

[scene changes at Jerry's apartment]

E
Hey, the NBC limo is downstairs. [she humms the 3 notes in the NBC logo song] I was going to call Jill one more time before we go.

J
You can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.

E
Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane.

J
First you make a cell phone walk and talk, then she loses a call waiting face off, now your are talking about a plane call?

E
Alright, then I'll just have to call her from Paris

[someone knocks at the door - Jerry answers]

Newman
Hello Jerry

J
Hello Newman...what gives?

N
I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris.

J
Yeah, that's right

N
Well uh...I hear its quite beautiful this time of year. And of course you know that I am 1/4 french.

J
Really

N
Oh yes...I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who is suffering very bad. She has lost all the use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her to
bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas I can't afford it. For I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

[Newman drops to his knees and begs Jerry to let him go]

J
Pull yourself together, you are making me sick. Be a man!

N
Alright. But, hear me and hear me well. The day will come. Oh yes yes. Mark my words Sienfeld, your day of reckoning is coming when an evil wind will blow thru your little play world. And wipe the smug smile off your face. And I will be there in all my glory. Watching,,,,,watching as it all comes crumbling down Haha

[Newman exits]

[scene changes - at the airport in front of the private plane]

Captain of plane
Jerry...

J
Yes

Captain
I am captain Latux. This is my co-pilot Curt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?

J
All set...We will just grab the bags

Captain
Auh, don't worry about that. We'll take care of that for you.

J
It just keeps getting better and better

E
[lauging in joy]

[scene changes - on the jet]

G
This is it?

K
This is the only way to fly

G
I am sorry...I have to say I am a little disappointed. I thought it would be a lot nicer.

J
You are complaining about a private jet.

G
Do you think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets.

J
Ted Danson is not even on the Network anymore.

G
Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was alot nicer than this.

E
Would you shut up. You are ruining the whole trip.

G
This is a real piece of junk! I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a
good mind to write a letter to Mr. K...

J
You are not writing any letters!!!!

E
Would you turn around [telling George to not hang over the seat]

G
Why

E
You are annoying me sitting like that. It is ifeminate

G
To sit like this?

E
Yes..I think its a little ifeminate.

G
How is this ifeminate

E
I don't know...It just is.

[Kramer jumps up and down as the plane glides thru the air]

J
You still have water in your ear

K
I can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.

G
You shouldn't be jumping up and down inside a plane

K
I got to get it out!!!! I can't take this anymore.

G
Don't be falling out of here

[Kramer falls thru the cockpit door and the plane starts to nose dive]

E
Oh my God what is that noise

K
How should I know we are going to go down

E
Oh my God what is going on. oh

K
[Kramer screams

E
Oh my God we are going down. We are going to die

J
Kramer

K
It was an accident Jerry!

G
I told you to stop with the hopping

E
Were going down...we are going to die.

G
Just when I was doing great. I am never going to be successful

J
Is th is it? Is this how it ends? It can't.. It can't end this way

K
I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!

G
Jerry! Jerry! Can you hear me?

J
Yes..what is it.

G
There is something I have to tell you.

J
What what is it

G
I cheated in the contest

J
What?

G
The contest, I cheated.

J
Why!

G
Because I am a cheater

E
[screams]

G
I had to tell you.

J
Why....

E
Jerry I have to tell you something too

J
Elaine I have something I want to say to you

E
Oh no...me first...Jerry...I have always...

G
Hey..we are going up.

K
We are straightening out.

[everyone screams with happiness]

[scene change - everyone deplanes

Captain
Well again...sorry about that little mishap. But once we get everything checked out, there shouldn't be any more problems.

J
Where are we?

Captain
Latham, Massachusets
Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I've got your beeper number. I'll beep you as soon as we are ready.

J
Ok, we will see you later.

[scene change on street]

E
Well...what are we gonna do about Paris? I mean are we actually gonna get back on that plane?

J
I say we go back to New York and take a regular plane.

G
I'm not getting on a regular plane now! I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.

E
Well I am sure that they would fly us first class.

G
First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here. But this time, the good one. The Ted Danson plane.

J
Alright, I will feel him out.

G
Yeah, tell him to hurry it up!

Passer by
Nice Day

J
Another one?

G
Boy is that some kind of talk

[J, E, G, K witness fat man being mugged and car jacked - Krame video tapes and laughs as the man struggles]

Mugger
OK fat so...out of the car [mugger struggles to pull man from car]

K
I want to capture this

Mugger
Come on come on [still struggling to pull man out] Give me your wallet

J
He could use the money for the lipo..

E
The great thing about robbing a fat guy is that its an easy get away. You know...They can't really chase you. Hahaha

G
H'es actually doing him a favor. Its less money for him to buy food.. hahaha

Mugger
Come on come on. Where is your wallet [man being robbed stares at the video camera]

Man being robbed
Don't shoot

J
That's a shame [speaking about the robbery] Alright, I am going to call NBC

Man being robbed
He's stealing my car! [police officer arrives]

Man being robbed
Officer I was car jacked. I was held up at gun point. He took my wallet..everything.

[camera pans back to Jerry talking on the cellular while man speaks to police]

J
Ok..thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.

K
What's wrong with the plane we got. They are just checking it out.

J
No no no

E
Forget it

J
We are not getting on there. Come on lets get something to eat here in sticksville.

Police officer
Alright..hold it right there. [speaking to J,G,E,K]

J
What

Police officer
You are all under arrest

J
Under arrest? What for.

Police Officer
Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.

E
What...we didn't do anything.

Police Officer
That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it is reasonable to do so.

G
I never heard of that.

Police Officer
It's new. Its called the good samaritan law. Let's go.

[scene change]
[in jail cell]

E
Good samaritan law. Are they crazy?

G
Why would we want to help somebody.

E
I know.

G
That's what nuns and red cross workers are for.

K
The sumaritans...the were from an ancient tribe...very good people

E
Um..excuse me. [speaking to jail guard] Hi...could you tell me what kind of
law this is.

Jail Guard
Well..they just passed it last year. It is modeled after the French Law. I heard about it after Princess Dianna was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.

J
Oh yea

E
Oh..

Jail Guard
You are the first ones to be arrested on it. Probably in the whole country.

E
[snickering]

G
So what is the penalty. Let's pay the fine or something and get the hell out
of here.

Jail guard
Well...its not that easy. You see the law calls for maximum fine of $ 85,000 and as much as 5 years in prison.

E
What??!!

G
No no...We have to be in California next week. We are starting a TV show!

Jail Guard
California...Gosh oh I don't think so. My guess is you will be prosecuted. You better get yourselves a good lawyer.

[scene change]
[Jackie Chiles lawyer talking on the phone]

JC
Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on. You people with the cheese...it never ends. [phone buzzes]

JC
Hello. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh? Good Samaritan Law...I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. Thats what this stuff is all about. That's deplorable improbable, unfailable. Hold on. [he buzzes his secretary]

Suzy cancel my appointment with Dr. Byson and uh pack a bag for me. I wanna get to Latham, Massachusetts right away.

[scene change]
[District Attorney for Latham County meets with his deputy and investigators]

Deputy DA
So...they got Jackie Chiles. Huh [Front page of news paper]

DA
You know what that means. This whole place is gonna be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You are not gonna be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching this. Now we gotta
do whatever it takes to win it. No matter what the cost. The big iss in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything that you can about these people. And I mean everything!

[scene change]
[jail cell]

K
Pretty good chow.

G
Would it kill them to check up on us. They drop off the meals and that's it. I realize we are prisoners but we are still entitled to KETCHUP.

E
I guess we could have called for help.

J
But then we would have missed the whole thing.

K
I still had it on video...We could have watched it later.

G
Yeah he's right.

J
I forgot about the video

E
Oh sure...video!?

[Jerry's beeper goes off]

E
What is that?

J
The plane's ready

[scene change]
Geraldo Rivera show music

Gerald Riviera
Hi everybody, I am Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we will be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes and around the water coolers in your offices. And speaking of course of the controversial good samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. And before we meet the distinguished panel, lets go to Latham live where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane.

Jane Wells, reporter
Yes...good evening Geraldo.

GR
What is the news? What's going on tonight?

JW
Well, Latham is fairly quiet tonight considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.

GR
And what about the defendants. The so called New York four. How are they holding up?

JW
Well I did speak to one of the deputies who has some contact with them. He told me "there is no love lost with that group".

GR
Anything else Jane?

JW
There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Sienfield and Ms. Bennis. The rumor is that they once dated and it is possible that it ended badly.

GR
Who knows ladies and gentlemen. Maybe this trial will bring them closer
together. Maybe they will even end up getting married.

[scene change]
[Jerry's parents house]

Jerry's mother
Well I hope you packed enough. This trial could last for weeks.

Jerry's father
What's all that [suitcase full of cereals]

Jerry's mother
It's cereal

Jerry's father
You are packing cereal?

Jerry's mother
I am bringing it to Jerry.

Jerry's father
You have enough there for a life sentence.

Jerry's mother
He likes it. He says he missed that more than anything.

Jerry's father
So bring a snack pack.

[scene change]
[George's parents house]

George's mother
Poor Georgie. Was it our fault that this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.

George's father
Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault I can tell you that.

George's mother
Oh...so it was my fault but not yours.

George's father
You were the one who smothered him!

George's mother
I did not smother him!

George's father
You smothered....He couldn't get any air to his brain. He was suffocating.

George's mother
Sure..you were always in Korea with your religious Chochkees.

George's father
I had to make a living!!!!!

[numerous scene change]
[Newman's house as he laughs and carries out his suitcase]
[Uncle Leo leaves with suitcase]
[Mr. Pederman leaves with suitcase]
[Putty leaves with suitcase in hand]
[Midget friend of Kramer walks out to taxi with suitcase]
[Banyan leaves from his front door with suitcase]
[Susan's parents load into a taxi with their suitcases]
[The Jewish Rabi leaves with overnight case]
[Keith Hernandez leaves with suitcase]
[George Stienbrenner rushes out of office while his assistant carries his bag]

[scene change]

[the day of the trial in the court room - Jerry eating cereal at the Defendant's table]

K
That's excellent. yum
Don't worry I didn't use too much milk because we gotta make it last

J
You know I may have reduced my milk level. My whole life I have always filled it up to at least three quarters. Sometimes to the top of the cereal. Now I have to conserve. In fact I can't even see the milk anymore. It is a big adjustment.

K
I bet.

J
It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

[enter attorney Chiles]

JC
Good morning.

E
Good morning Jackie.

J
Good morning.

JC
Is everybody ready?

[Jackie looks at George]

JC
Didn't I tell you that I wanted you to wear the cardigan?

G
It makes me look older.

JC
Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I am trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You are going to walk into that courtroom and the jury is going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one is going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps a fat tub that is getting robbed.

J
Ha ha ha ha ha

JC
Do you think it's funny?

J
No

JC
You are damn right it isn't! You better not be carrying on and laughing in that courtroom funnyman. Because if you start getting all smart alaky, making wise cracks, acting a fool, you are going to find yourself in here for a long long time. [He looks at Jerry]. I don't like that tie. Suzy, get one of my ties from my brief case.

E
How do I look Jackie?

JC
Oh...you are looking good. You look strong. You are one fine looking sexy
lady.

E
Thank you. Thank you Jackie.

K
How about me Jackie?

JC
Kramer you always look good. You show respect for yourself. You are genuine. The jury is gonna pick up on that.

[Jerry picks up the tie]

J
This one?

JC
That's right.

J
Do I have to?

E
Jackie says put it on Jerry!

[scene change]
[Judge and courtroom full of people]

Bailiff
All rise. County Court of Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The honorable Judge Arthur VanDalay residing.

G
VanDalay? His name is VanDalay?

JC
VanDa WHO?

G
Jerr...Did you hear that.
I think that is a good sign.

Judge
Is the District Attorney ready to proceed?

DA
We are your honor

Judge
Mr. Hoyt

DA
Ladies and Gentlemen. Last year our city council by a vote of 12 to 2 passed a good samaritan law. Now essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York, not only ignored, but as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gun point. I can guarantee you one other thing, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorbtion, immaturity and greed. And you will see how everyone that has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. They have gone too far this time. They are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will
pay.

Judge
Mr. Chiles.

JC
I am shocked and chagrined. Mortified, stupified. This trial is outrageous. This is a waste of the taxpayers time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing. Lying and laughing. Laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocent bystanders. Just think about that term. Innocent....Bystanders..... Because that is exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders. No one is disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? NO....Because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders by definition are innocent. That is the nature of bystander. But no.....They want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal. The guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.

Judge
Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?

DA
We are your honor. We call Officer, Matt Vogel to the stand.

?
Call Matt Vogel

DA
So they were just standing there?

Officer Vogel
yes

DA
Did one of them have a video camera?

Officer Vogel
yes

DA
Your honor, with the courts permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as exhibit A.

Judge
Proceed

[the jury and courtroom watch and listen to the video recorded by Kramer]

[Video sounds]
J
There goes the money for liposuction

E
The great thing about robbing a fat guy is that it is an easy get away. They can't really chase you. Hahaha

G
He actually doing him a favor. Less money for him to buy food. hahaha
[end video]

DA
So they just stood there and did nothing

Victim
Yeah...nothing. Nothing!

DA
No further questions.

[George turns around to look into courtroom audience and sees the NBC execs]

G
Great plane! Thanks Alot! It almost got us killed!!!

[Judge bangs the gavel]

DA
Call Mabel Chote to the stand

Bailiff
Call Mabel Chote

JC
I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational and inconsequential.

DA
The prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses. It is imperative that we establish that this is not merely an isolated incident. It is part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that has been going on for years.

Judge
Objection overruled.

Judge
I'll hear the witness

DA
Now Mrs. Chote, would you please tell the court what happened the evening of January 4.

Mrs. Chote
Well I was in Schnitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.

DA
Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Sienfeld. What did he want?

Mrs. Chote
My marbel rye.

DA
Your marbel rye?

Mrs. Chote
I got the last one. He kept persisting and I said no.

DA
And then you left the bakery.

Mrs. Chote
That's right

DA
But it didn't end there. Did it Mrs. Chote.

Mrs. Chote
Oh NO

[scene is replayed from the original show when Jerry steals her bread]

DA
No further questions

DA
I call Marla Penny to the stand

Bailiff
Call Marla Penny

DA
What was your connection to the Defendants.

Marla Penny
I dated Mr. Sienfeld for several weeks in the Autumn of 1992.

DA
Then on the evening of October 28 there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.

Marla Penny
It is rather difficult to talk about

DA
It's alright...take your time

Marla Penny
Well, I became aware of a

DA
Of a what???...

Marla Penny
A uh

DA
yes

Marla Penny
A contest

DA
A contest

Marla Penny
yes

DA
What was the nature of the contest?

Marla Penny
Please....I can't

DA
It's ok

Marla Penny
The four of them made a wager to see if they could....

DA
yes...

Marla Penny
...to see who could go the longest...Without gratifying themselves.

[courtroom and defendents shriek]

Marla Penny
It was horrible just horrible

DA
Call Donald Sanger to the stand

J
Who the hell is that?

Man
Come on down you are doing fine

G
It's the bubble boy.

J
That's right...the bubble boy.

JC
What's a bubble boy?

J
He is a boy who lives in a bubble.

Bubble Boy
What in the hell are you all looking at?

DA
So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house on October 7, 1992.

Bubble Boy
Well...Jerry Sienfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead. So I challenge him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.

[a scene from the original show is shown where George reads the question: Who invaded Spain in the 8th Century? Bubble Boy answers: that is a joke...The Moores.
George says: Oh NO... I am so sorry it is the Moopes. The correct answer is the Moopes.
Bubble Boy: That is not Moopes you jerk its Moores. It is a misprint.
George: Sorry the card says Moopes
Bubble Boy: It doesn't matter there is no Moopes.
George: Its Moopes
Bubble Boy: Moores
George: Moopes
Bubble Boy: There is no Moopes you idiot! {A struggle begins and the air is let out of the bubble by George]

[next witness up already on the stand]

DA
So Mr. Costanza parked in the handicapped spot and as a result your wheelchair was destroyed.

Lady in wheelchair
That's right

DA
And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair

Lady in wheel chair
That's right

[scene of lady crashing on wheel chair due to its defect]

[Doctor brought onto witness stand]

DA
So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died

Doctor
Yes...that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I will never forget it.

DA
So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Would you tell the court please what his reaction was.

Doctor
I would describe it as restrained jubilation.

[courtroom gasps]

Susan's parents
Murderer...He killed our daughter...He knew those envelopes were poison

Judge
Order in this court!

DA
Call Cidra Holland to the stand

JC
Wowee...Look at this one. She is FINE. And You dated her?

DA
So you met Jerry Sienfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?

Cidra Holland
Yes

DA
so you also met Ms. Bennis in that same health club

Cidra Holland
Yes that is true

DA
Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.

Cidra Holland
We were in the Sauna making chit chat

[scene from orginal show Cidra introduces herself to Elaine and Elaine falls on Cidra grabbing her breasts]

DA
So she pretended to trip and she fell into your breasts

Cidra Holland
Yes

DA
Why would she do something like that?

Cidra Holland
Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real

[court room gasps]

[another man sitting in witness chair]

DA
State your name

Man
Joe Bookman

DA
And what is your occupation?

Man
I am a library cop

DA
What does a library cop do?

Man
We chase down library delinquencies.

DA
Has anyone in this room ever been delinquent?

Man
Yeah...he was...right over there [motions to Jerry]...Sienfeld

DA
How long was his book over due?

Man
25 years....We don't call them delinquent after that long.

DA
What do you call them?

Man
Criminal

[new woman on witness stand]

DA
So you and Mr. Costanza were dating

Lady
yes

DA
And then what happened?

Lady
Well I invited him to attend my son's birthday party. And...

[scene from original show where a fire breaks out and George pushes over children and elderly to save himself]

[another man on witness stand]

Man
At the time I was employed as a security guard in the parking garage in the Garden Valley Shopping Mall

[scene from original show Jerry walking back to his car zipping up the fly of his pants]

J
Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it is against the law.

Man
I don't know

J
Because I could get Uromystatisis poisoning and die thats why

DA
Uromystatisis...I wonder if they are having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial. Perhaps these two huligans would like to have a big pee party right here in the courtroom.

JC
Objection your honor. It is completely inappropriate. My client's medical condition is not on trial here. I would refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.

Judge
Sit down! [gavel bangs]

[another man on witness stand]

DA
And then what happened detective?

Man
We got a tip that alot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.

[scene from original show with Kramer in crazy pimp outfit getting beat up by a prostitute]

DA
Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp

[another man on witness chair]

DA
So you asked Mr. Sienfeld to wear your puffy shirt on the today show

[Lady who mumbles and no one can hear mumbles]

JC
Excuse me your honor. What is the point of this testimony? This woman is a low talker. What did she say? You need to get some other kind of microphone up there or lets move on.

DA
Call George Stienbrenner to the stand

Bailiff
Call George Stienbrenner

DA
So George Costanza came to work for your in May of 1994.

George Steinbrenner
Yes.. he was a good kid... a lovely boy..George that was a heck of sandwich wasn't it Georgie?

G
Yes sir..that was a very good sandwich

George Stienbrenner
I had one little problem though.

DA
What was that?

George Steinbrenner
He was a communist. Big as they come! Like a big juicy steak

George's father
Steinbrenner how could you give $ 12 million...

Judge
Order!

[another man on witness stand]

DA
Cock fighting?

Man
Cock fighting

[another man on the witness stand]

Man
Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. The kind for sex! She said she need a whole case of them.

[another man on the witness stand]

Man
She exposed her nipple.

[another man on the witness stand]

DA
Why did she try to kill you

Man
She tried to smother me with a pillow

DA
Call Yauv Kassim to the stand

Bailiff
Call Yauv Kassim

J
Who?

E
Soup Nazi

JC
You people have a little pet name for everybody

DA
State your name

Soup Nazi
Yauv Kassim

DA
Could you spell that please

Soup Nazi
No...next question.

DA
How do you know the defendants?

Soup Nazi
They used to come to my restaurant

[scene from original show where they order soup. George asks for bread and they get thrown out]

Soup Nazi
The idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one, the woman, for a year. Then one day, she came back.

[scene from the show where Elaine reads the exact ingredients of his soups]

Soup Nazi
She published my recipes. I had to close the store and move to Argentina. She ruined my business

E
The soup is not all that good anyway.

Soup Nazi
What did you say?!!!

DA
The state call Mr. Babu Bod to the stand

J
Where did they find Babu

E
I thought he was deported

DA
You came along way to be here today haven't you

Babu Bod
Yes...all the way from Pakistan.

DA
And what is your connection to the Defendant?

Babu Bod
I owned a restaurant. Sienfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came. There were no people.

DA
And then what happened

Babu Bod
Then he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail and I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It is all his fault! And the woman...totally indifferent. They always mock me just like
they did to the fat person. All the time. Mocky mocky mocky Finally, it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away Send them all away.They are not human. They are very bad. Very very very bad.

[scene change]

Geraldo Rivera
Hello everybody I am Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition ofRivera Live. The oral arguments in the good samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberations for 4 1/2 hours now. Lets go live to Jane Wells
who is in Latham, Massachusetts covering this trial for us. Jane

Jane Wells
Geraldo, just a few minutes ago the jury asked to see the video tape.

Geraldo
That is the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the
robbery.

Jane Wells
Yes..it is a very incriminating piece of evidence. But, I must tell you Geraldo this court room and everyone who has attended this trial is still realling from the endless parade of witnesses who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four, seemingly, ordinarily people. I have a feeling that if Judge VanDelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it
could have gone on for months.

Gerald
Jane, who's testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury.

Jane
That is so hard to say. Certainly there was the doctor with the poison invitation. The bubble boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bazar contest certainly did not sit well with the small town jury. The
woman that they sold the defective wheel chair to. The deported Pakistani restaurantour. Geraldo it just went on and on and on into the night

Geraldo
And so we wait

[scene change]
[in jail cell]

J
Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?

E
I think so

J
It's not that bright orange one is it

E
I hope its not that one. Because, I cannot wear orange.

K
Will you stop worrying. Jackie's gonna get us off. He never loses

J
How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?

[scene change]
[Judge's chambers]

George's mother
Sorry to bother you Judge

Judge
How did you get in here

George's mother
Please please...If he is found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy

Judge
This is highly irregular

George's mother
Well maybe there is something I could do for you

Judge
What do you mean?

George's mother
You know...

[scene change]

[in Jackie's hotel room - Jackie and Cidra Holland in bed]

Cidra
Oh Jackie...You are so articulate

JC
We have plenty of time too. The jury won't be out for days.

[phone rings]

JC
Hello...damn

JC
They are ready

[scene change]
[courtroom]

J
Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down.

E
I have always loved U nited airlines

[jury enters]

K
I think its gonna be OK. That girl just smiled at me.

J
Maybe because she know you are going to jail.

Bailiff
All rise

Judge
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Have your reached a verdict?

Jury foreman
We have your honor

[The Judge reads the Jury's decision]

Judge
Will the Defendants please rise
And how do you find with respect to the charge of criminal indifference

Jury foreman
We find the Defendants guilty.

Judge
order....ORDER in this court. I will clear this room

I do not know how or under what circumstances the four of you found each other. But your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of you to spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned

G
You had to hop on the plane!

E
Putty...don't wait for me

Putty
Alright

George's father
We gotta get out of here. We have to beat the traffic

Cidra Holland
Come on Jackie, lets go.

J
What?

JC
Oh and by the way...They are real and they are spectacular

[scene change]
[jail cell]

J
Its only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year. And then we
will be back

K
You don't have to worry about your meals or what you're gonna do Saturday Night. We could do shows. We could put on a show. Maybe ....Bye Bye Birdie. Or My Fair Lady. Elaine you could be Liza Doolittle.

E
Why don't you just blow it out your ...

E
If I called Jill from Prison...do you think that would make up for the other
ones.

J
Sure

E
Because you only get one call. The prison call is like...the the king of
calls.

J
I think that would be a very nice gesture.

[Kramer begins hopping again to remove the water from his ear]

K
It's out Not bad huh. Oh what a relief

J
For me that button is in the worst possible spot.

G
Really?

J
Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks a
shirt. Look at it...It is too high. It's in no man's land.

G
Haven't we had this conversation before?

J
Do you think

G
I think we have...yeah

J
I think we have

[scene change]
[Jerry giving monologue type to prison population]

J
What is the deal with the yard. I mean when I was a kid, my mother wanted me to play in the yard. Of course, she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor, Tommy sticking a schiv in my thigh. [Kramer laughs alone loudly] And what is this lockdown. Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weight lifting and sodomy is enough. Is anyone from Cell Block D? [Many yells I am] I'll talk slower. I am just kidding. My friend George is in cell block D. What are you in for sir? [murder1] Ohw. Watch out everyone...better be nice to you. I am only kidding sir....lighten up. How bout you? What are you in for? [grand theft auto] Grand theft auto...Don't steal any of my jokes. [You suck, I am going to cut you] Hey, I'll come down
to where you work and knock the license plate out of your hands.

Guard
Alright your done...lets go

J
Alright. Hey you have been great

[audience boos]

J
See you in the cafeteria